"They miss the whisper that runs any day in your mind, 'Who are you really, wanderer?' and the answer you have to give no matter how dark and cold the world around you is: 'Maybe I'm a king'" ~ William Stafford
Of course it's been a year since I last posted a blog. I am really not much of a writer and never understood my obsession with wanting to write a blog. I love blogs. I'm just a horrible writer and can never come up with anything clever enough to really write about. I guess I'll give it another try! Hopefully this time I'll actually come up with more than just one entry?? HAHA!
This last year has been a fairly mundane one. I've been trying my hand at baking and have found some awesome recipes!! I love looking for recipes! It's one of my favorite pastimes but I would love to create my own. I'm just not sure where to begin! I do not know all of the ins and outs of what make a recipe a recipe, especially when it comes to baking! Baking is a science afterall :) Looks like I'm going to have to do more research! In the meantime I'll continue my recipe gazing and baking experiments and keep you posted!
It's Monday once again and I am sitting at work blogging instead of doing what I should be. I am sure most of us do this. Maybe you don't blog instead of work but you do other things?? Anyway. I have my pandora Mumford and Sons station playing in the background. I was thinking about my life to come and it's scary! I graduate in 13 days. I feel like I am starting a new life and that I should start to be an adult now. I'm 28 now and I still don't act like an adult as it is. How am I supposed to change that now. Does graduating from college really mean you have to be an adult??????
I sort of met a new boy this weekend. I say sort of because he noticed me on Friday with my friend but I did not notice him. I felt bad about this but hey, I guess things happen when you're not looking right. Well anyway, he told his friend to give me his number and we've been texting back and forth for the last couple of days. He's a bit older than me...! He seems nice. I haven't even met him. I have a feeling that this will turn out like every other guy I've met along the journey of my life. We'll text a bit. We'll meet and he'll be disappointed. Although, one plus is that he sort of knows what I look like right? He did think I was pretty enough to warrant a text or two. Hmm......
We'll see how it goes. It is definitely different talking to someone who is not close in age to me. A little strange in fact. I'm not sure whether I should be weirded out or turned on. It is a dilemma! I can't stop thinking that in 1993 I was 11 or 12 and he was in his early twenties. If we were to date this might pose a problem..haha! Is it bad that I'm not even sure that I like the man but I can't stop thinking about him? Does it mean that I actually like him?
Maybe I can stop myself from being a total retard and not ruin things now. One thing I worry about is when we meet will he still be interested? Or will I be as disappointing as I feel I always am? Wow...this post really makes it seem that I have no self-esteem at all. Let me just say that I do...some what!
Listening to Mumford and Sons....I miss my grandmother...
So excited about my soon to be new to me vintage Lime Green Pyrex baking dish with matching silver serving tray! I am always super silly when it comes to cooking items! I love to collect them and this one just takes the cake at the moment!
Today was the funeral of my grandmother, Jean Audrey Goldman Godley. She was absolutely beautiful all around during her lifetime. She was not only beautiful physically but also beautiful as an individual. She was the epitome of a Godly woman and loving housewife. She is someone women should strive to emulate daily. She was a loving mother, grandmother, great grandmother, sister, daughter, wife and most of all christian. She whole-heartedly believed in Christ through everything. Everyone today used her favorite saying, "It's no big deal..."! One thing I feel that she would not use this saying on is how my family acted today after her funeral. We had a nice family lunch at her church of many years. Directly after lunch some family members headed over to her house and immediately started rummaging through her things and staking claim on her belongings. Of course these are her worldly belongings and something has to be done about them but couldn't it have waited until tomorrow. We just buried her and you are already deciding who gets what piece of furniture?? She is barely in the ground three hours!! I was absolutely appalled by their callousness. My plan for today had originally been to spend quality time with my family and tell our wonderful memories of her life and how she meant to us. Instead I had to spend it trying to silently boycott the actions of my other family members. As I write this I wonder how would my grandmother react if she knew her sons (my father excluded) and their spouses were acting this way. It is understandable that everyone has only a limited amount of time to take of her estate but at least take one day to reflect on the fact that you just buried your mother!!!!! I am sure that her sisters would be just as appalled and angered by the way my family is handling her things. The crappy thing is not only did we just bury the matriarch of our family and the one person who always made sure to bring us together regularly but now I have to sit by and keep my mouth shut and let this happen. I am sad to say that I am happy to be going home tomorrow just so I can get away from these people and their appalling ways.
Grandparents are a family's greatest treasure; the founders of a loving legacy. The greatest storytellers, the keepers of traditions that linger on in cherished memory. Grandparents are the family's strong foundation. Their very special love sets them apart. Through happiness and sorrow, their special love and caring, grandparents keep a family close at heart. ~ Author Unknown
Grandmother: A female ancestor;
The mother of one's father or mother;
A familiar term of address for an old woman
All of the definitions above are pretty generic. Everyone defines their grandmothers differently. Sure they are women, and usually a mother but they are also more than that. I use many words to define my Grandmother: love, care, God-fearing, strong, courage, wife, mother, determination. My family can attest to this; I have never really been a person to talk lovingly about my Grandmother. In fact, a lot of the time all I can remember are the bad things about her and non of the good. I always complain about how she has treated me, how I feel she prefers my cousins over me, and how I have never felt she was proud of me. I am losing my Grandmother. She is gradually fading away. She has a brain tumer laden with Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma. The doctors say it is terminal. All she does now is sleep most of the day. When she is awake she is constantly asking to go home. One might think that home for her is her house in which she has lived for the past few years and I am sure at first that was the case. Thinking on it now I am fairly certain she would prefer to be in her Heavenly home with my Grandfather and escape from the pain.
I am the second her eight grandchildren. Having to see her in her hospice room and know that she is going to soon pass away is difficult. I love her very much even though there have been days where I would not mention her name for the pain she had caused me as a child. In this time of grief and sorrow I try to think about the happy times: how she and my grandfather never missed a single choir performance, how she never forgot a single birthday (not just mine but everyone's), how when I would come over she would always have my favorite salad dressing, how, even as an adult she still collects teddy bears, how much she loves her family, how she always puts everyone before her. Everyone has their faults, my Grandmother included but that does not make them less of your family or less of a person. Realizing that she won't be around for very much longer has made me put things in perspective and let go of the hurt and pain I felt that she caused me. In all actuality she never meant to hurt my feelings or cause me pain. It was me harboring those feelings for years that hurt me, not her.
I recently purchased the new album from Mumford and Sons Sigh No More. There is a song on the album titled Timshel. This song makes me think of my family and my Grandmother. My Grandmother is dying. She has four sons (brothers). They are all there to be with her as she passes holding her hand the entire time. She is never alone. They can't move mountains but they can tell her it is ok to go and be in Heaven. Having never known what the word timshel/timshol means I looked it up the other day. A lot of people believe it to be the Hebrew word meaning "thou mayest". I'm not sure. I have not done much research nor do I speak Hebrew but if that is truly what it means then it fits with this song and my Grandmother because "thou mayest" pass on and be in Heaven with the Father and others that you have missed through your life. It is one of the most beautiful songs that I have heard in a very long time.
Cold is the water, it freezes your already cold mind
Already cold, cold mind
And death is at your doorsetp and it will steal your innocence
But it will not steal your substance
But you are not alone in this
You are not alone in this
As brothers we will stand
And we'll hold your hand
You are the mother, the mother of your baby child
The one to whom you gave life
And you have your choices - these are what make man great
Sitting in class and trying not to fall asleep while your monotone, whispering professor teaches about contracts in hotel and restaurant law is not as easy as some might think. It is not as interesting as you might think. I know that I was disappointed after the first class. Knowing this, I probably should have dropped it because now I have that sinking feeling of failure and by failure I mean that loathesome "B". This is one of those classes where you only have two tests: the midterm and the final. Needless to say it means hours of studying and gallons of coffee. I guess that is most days in a college student's life! I long for the days when all I have to do is wake up and go to work. I won't have to worry about juggling schedules for work, school, friends, family, etc. I never feel like I have enough time for anything!
Can you believe after I graduate in May I am actually considering going back to school for another 1-3 years?? Do I really want to put myself through more studious torture? Why yes! I do! It is another step in my plan that I have not fully formulated yet. Everyone always asks what you want to be doing in 5 years or 10 years. Hell! I don't know. I am only figuring things out a day at a time. All I know today is that I graduate in May and I can breathe a sigh of relief until I start again.
Future! Future! Future! One word that I always hear. I am tired of contemplating my future. I want to live a day at a time. I am not saying that I do not think about the future because of course I constantly plan trips and what I want to do in the next year. All I mean is that I am tired of everyone constantly asking me what I want to do with my life. I am tired of wondering when I am going to be married, or have children, or move out of my mothers house. I am tired!
