Grandmother

Grandparents are a family's greatest treasure; the founders of a loving legacy.  The greatest storytellers, the keepers of traditions that linger on in cherished memory.  Grandparents are the family's strong foundation.  Their very special love sets them apart.  Through happiness and sorrow, their special love and caring, grandparents keep a family close at heart.  ~ Author Unknown

Grandmother:  A female ancestor;
The mother of one's father or mother;
A familiar term of address for an old woman

All of the definitions above are pretty generic.  Everyone defines their grandmothers differently.  Sure they are women, and usually a mother but they are also more than that.  I use many words to define my Grandmother:  love, care, God-fearing, strong, courage, wife, mother, determination.  My family can attest to this; I have never really been a person to talk lovingly about my Grandmother.  In fact, a lot of the time all I can remember are the bad things about her and non of the good.  I always complain about how she has treated me, how I feel she prefers my cousins over me, and how I have never felt she was proud of me.  I am losing my Grandmother.  She is gradually fading away.  She has a brain tumer laden with Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma.  The doctors say it is terminal.  All she does now is sleep most of the day.  When she is awake she is constantly asking to go home.  One might think that home for her is her house in which she has lived for the past few years and I am sure at first that was the case.  Thinking on it now I am fairly certain she would prefer to be in her Heavenly home with my Grandfather and escape from the pain. 

I am the second her eight grandchildren.  Having to see her in her hospice room and know that she is going to soon pass away is difficult.  I love her very much even though there have been days where I would not mention her name for the pain she had caused me as a child.  In this time of grief and sorrow I try to think about the happy times:  how she and my grandfather never missed a single choir performance, how she never forgot a single birthday (not just mine but everyone's), how when I would come over she would always have my favorite salad dressing, how, even as an adult she still collects teddy bears, how much she loves her family, how she always puts everyone before her.  Everyone has their faults, my Grandmother included but that does not make them less of your family or less of a person.  Realizing that she won't be around for very much longer has made me put things in perspective and let go of the hurt and pain I felt that she caused me.  In all actuality she never meant to hurt my feelings or cause me pain.  It was me harboring those feelings for years that hurt me, not her.

I recently purchased the new album from Mumford and Sons Sigh No More.  There is a song on the album titled Timshel.  This song makes me think of my family and my Grandmother.  My Grandmother is dying.  She has four sons (brothers).  They are all there to be with her as she passes holding her hand the entire time.  She is never alone.  They can't move mountains but they can tell her it is ok to go and be in Heaven.  Having never known what the word timshel/timshol means I looked it up the other day.  A lot of people believe it to be the Hebrew word meaning "thou mayest".  I'm not sure.  I have not done much research nor do I speak Hebrew but if that is truly what it means then it fits with this song and my Grandmother because "thou mayest" pass on and be in Heaven with the Father and others that you have missed through your life.  It is one of the most beautiful songs that I have heard in a very long time. 

Cold is the water, it freezes your already cold mind

Already cold, cold mind

And death is at your doorsetp and it will steal your innocence

But it will not steal your substance

But you are not alone in this

You are not alone in this

As brothers we will stand

And we'll hold your hand

You are the mother, the mother of your baby child

The one to whom you gave life

And you have your choices - these are what make man great

His ladder to the stars

But you arenot alone in this

You are not alone in this

As brothers we will stand

And we'll hold your hand

But I will tell the night

And whisper lose your sight

But I can't move the mountains for you



Studious Torture

Sitting in class and trying not to fall asleep while your monotone, whispering professor teaches about contracts in hotel and restaurant law is not as easy as some might think.  It is not as interesting as you might think.  I know that I was disappointed after the first class.  Knowing this, I probably should have dropped it because now I have that sinking feeling of failure and by failure I mean that loathesome "B".  This is one of those classes where you only have two tests:  the midterm and the final.  Needless to say it means hours of studying and gallons of coffee.  I guess that is most days in a college student's life!  I long for the days when all I have to do is wake up and go to work.  I won't have to worry about juggling schedules for work, school, friends, family, etc.  I never feel like I have enough time for anything! 

Can you believe after I graduate in May I am actually considering going back to school for another 1-3 years??  Do I really want to put myself through more studious torture? Why yes! I do! It is another step in my plan that I have not fully formulated yet.  Everyone always asks what you want to be doing in 5 years or 10 years.  Hell! I don't know.  I am only figuring things out a day at a time.  All I know today is that I graduate in May and I can breathe a sigh of relief until I start again. 

Future! Future! Future! One word that I always hear.  I am tired of contemplating my future.  I want to live a day at a time.  I am not saying that I do not think about the future because of course I constantly plan trips and what I want to do in the next year.  All I mean is that I am tired of everyone constantly asking me what I want to do with my life.  I am tired of wondering when I am going to be married, or have children, or move out of my mothers house.  I am tired!

Ramblings of a Twenty-Something

So I am sitting at my friend's house watching television, working on this new blog, eating lots of food that definitely is not good for me and wondering where my life is headed.  Why is it when I am with people I care about and doing things that I enjoy that I decide to be curious about my life.  It always happens this way.  Every day I am getting older and currently I feel that I am stuck in the same year doing the same things.  I liken it to that movie "Groundhog Day" with Bill Murray.  I may not be living the same day over and over like in the movie but I am living the same week/month/year over and over again.  Since starting to feel this way I have taken a step back and tried to look at my life differently.  I am currently wondering where my life is going to lead me.